After you give the gift of comforting words in a Sympathy Greeting Card, there are a number of things you can continue to do for your friend or family member.

• Sometimes words aren't needed...a hug, holding a hand and a listening ear. In other words, the gift of time. And it doesn't matter how long it's been since the death.
• Companionship is very important during this time. Make phone calls, stop by frequently and bring food--who doesn't love a pie!
• Share fond memories. Relate amusing anecdotes.
• Send or bring upbeat cards by when you visit. This is a time when the mail brings sad reminders: death certificates, bills, probate letters, insurance policies. An upbeat card can bring a smile to a sad heart.
• Offer to help with errands or chores. But know this, you won't get anywhere if you say, "Call me if there is anything I can do." You'll never get a call. Be specific. "I will bring you dinner tomorrow." "I will take the kids on Tuesday."
• Send a card on important dates or anniversary of the death. It lets them know you remember.
• Help with Everyday Concerns.You might run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals or do the laundry. These seemingly minor tasks loom large to the survivor, for grief drastically depletes physical energy. An offer to spend an evening just watching television together can be very comforting, especially to someone now living alone.
• Listen. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there and let them talk. A supportive and caring friend is sometimes the best medicine.
• Know that Recovery Takes Time. Don't expect the grieving person to be "over it" within a few weeks. There is no timetable for grief, but it's longer than people think.

Source: The Compassionate Friends

Support From Others
Author Unknown

Don't tell me that you understand.
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.
I need someone to share.
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, "My friend, I care."

What NOT to say...

The poem above states it well. You've uttered these very words, but next time, you'll know better. When someone is grieving, please do not say:

• "It was God's will." (First find out what the survivor's religious belief is.)
• "Be thankful you have another child." (This lessens the importance of the child who died.)
• "I know how you feel." (None of us knows exactly how someone else feels.)
• "Time will heal." (Time alone does not heal, though it helps. People need time as well as the grief process.)
• "There must have been a reason." (Perhaps not; life is not always fair or reasonable.)

Phrases that do help...

The following phrases invite the bereaved to talk, sharing their pain and memories with the listener. Your greatest gift is your invitation to talk, while you listen--offering no advice or judgments.

• "This must be very painful for you." (Then the griever feels free to describe the pain.)
• "You must have been very close to her." (The survivor can then talk about the relationship.)
• "I have no idea what it must be like for you; I've never had a (spouse/child/parent) die. Can you tell me what it's like? (Then listen.)
• "It must be hard to accept." (Listen to the difficulties.)
• "I really miss (name of deceased). He was a special person. But that can't compare to how much you must miss him. Tell me what it's like." (Then listen.)

Source: Ingalls, Fern "What Can I Say?"
Heartlight Magazine, July 3, 1996.

Grief is a roller coaster, not a series of stages

It is best not to think of grief as a series of stages. Rather, we might think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning; the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

Source: Hospice Foundation of America

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